my life...actual...

I usually write my thoughts and ideas in a notebook because I was shy to write stuff on a blog. I am shy because I look at other people's blog such as Jav,Josh and Sabrina daily and I tell myself FML! Why?!? Because these people write so well that it makes me feel I write like a kid from an elementary school. Then again, I was in a french school since I was a toddler. I started going at an english school since CEGEP. I guess you can;t be perfect at anything...Thank God I know how to draw and paint or play intruments.

Anyways, I deleted all my old posts because that was me in the past. The girl who doesn't want to think about her past and looking at an old picture of her ex best friend or an ex bf. A lot of things have happened to those that don't hang out with me often.
So many things, losing family members (really close ones), losing a boyfriend ( A person who you never thought would walk in your bedroom and break up with you out of the blue),and losing a lot of friends (people you were with almost everyday and turned their back ). A lot of you think I am actually handling it well, but guess what ? I am not. I am a lot better and more stronger,that's for sure but I have other issues. I go and drink a lot once again, I spend spend spend money that makes my mom worried. I come to realise I do need a psychologist,someone outside of my zone,someone to sit down and hear me just talk and never interrupt me .

Yes, I am still heart broken, still wounded and feel those knives behind my back stabbing me. Everytime I look at myself in the mirror..I ask myself lots of questions..why this happened to me...

I know I wasn't perfect..no one is. I know I was a good girlfriend but we weren't probably meant to be. I know I was a good friend,of course I may did thing to upset people but hey ! you all did thigns to me too but I would never turn my back. I allowed people to cry on my soulder,help them out even wehnn other people were giving me looks and asked me why I was helping that person. I am too nice sometimes...but I am tired of it. In life,you have to be in the middle, be nice and be a bitch. Don't allow people to sit on your head and take advantage of you. Don't easily trust someone,don't give your fucking heart so easily to a person.

Ihave to listen to seventy times 7 almsot everyday to cheer me up ! Sucha good song.

In the end, I am also happy that these shit happened to me. Maybe it was a wake up call, a wake up call to make me realise I need a change. I guess all I'm trying to say is that he wasn't the one for me,those friends weren't good friends..because if they were,they would be there for me when I was going through so much. You realise who are your true friends when you are going through a hard time. Unfortunately,alot of them are just there for the fun times. When I was going through that hard phase, people I never expected were there for me. I got random phone calls,people from CEGEP,people from the foufs days and new friends of mine. I am trully happy to have you all in my life and I want to thank you all for being there. It;s because of you guys that I am 40 % sane...I still need to fix myself but it's with time. I should of listened to my mom's advices when I was a kid about how in life you get ur heart broken multiple times and that you need to stay strong and be independant. God,she is soo right !

I am moving out soon into a new apt with two of my friends. I am actually very happy about that and super excited. I need to leave this apt of mine,I love my buddy roomy Mike ( I have a ot of respect for him because he never let me down) but it's for the best for both of us to move out and live on our own. I wasn't a pleasant roommate at times and plus this place remind me alot of good and very bad memories. It reminds me when my old friends and my ex were there painting the apt with me, when we all had our first x-mas together,our crazy parties,the times when my ex bf would sleep over and the times when I loved cuddling with him on my bed. I can't even sleep in my room,I force myself to sleep there and when I have friends over, I give my room right away for them to sleep there since it;s a good way for me to sleep on a couch and sleep peacefully.


I have to slowly start packing since I will leave in two weeks into my new place. Also, I am going to have a new job, going to Banff for a bit and see my friends there and maybe work there for a bit and saave up money. I just can;t wait for summer to come so I could go swim,road trip,do lots of fun stuff with my friends. I also can;t wait to be 100% happy and move on completely.

I have to admit, I wish I had that person in my life and be good friends but we can't be right now. I guess I have to deal with this and it'll come when it's the right time. I wrote this so you can all know what I am going through and know how I feel since this is my blog and I am allowed to write about anything.

I am done for today,maybe later on tonight...but I hope I will get some comments from you guys :P